I would like to extend my sincere thanks to my friends here for their support through what has proven to be the singlemost difficult time I have ever lived through. Im still in the midst of it, but I can see daylight ahead.
Some of you have spoken to me on the phone and in Antenna, while others have interpreted cryptic laments of mine when it was all beginning. I appreciate everyones kindness they have shown me.
The truth is after eleven years of relative bliss, seven of them married, my wife and I are separated and getting divorced. A very common occurrence according to statistics. In fact 50% of all divorces happen in the seventh year of marriage. I often wondered if we would last as a couple. I was fairly sure that if we ever did split it would be because I did something stupid. The fact is, despite the standard ups and downs of any full-time relationship, we remained best friends and constant lovers through all of our years together. It was always she and I against the world. It occurred to me that, even when I was feeling unusually dissatisfied or unappreciated, I never not once- thought of leaving. Anyone that knows us has remarked that we were made for each other.
I have to this day never spoken an ill word about her.
So what went wrong?
The answer is nothing. Nothing went wrong between us. We never grew apart and our relationship stayed in bloom until September of this year.
Then came my betrayal with all its attendant lies.
Red flags go up. Long nights of discussions and honest concerns. Worries I never dreamed of. I find myself using phrases such as avoid emotional intimacy with attractive alternatives to your committed relationship. All my railing against the inevitable, ineffective. I winnowed away the clouds of denial and deception to find that underneath, my best friend had changed. A phase perhaps, but with the consequences being as large as they were I struggled further.
so go and see him, what will be will be, every man for the rest of your life will be less than me
Suddenly I represented everything that was wrong with the world. I was the bad guy. She had to kill me off. Our story is a very common one however. Millions of songs, poems, and stories illuminate the various facets of it.
But the story doesnt end with us. We have two children. Two fawns caught in a terrible storm. They dont understand the severity of the situation and I fear they will be scarred no matter how much love and compassion theyre shown. If my life is rent asunder, theirs is surely worse. Children are resilient, but they dont have a lifetime of experience to help them through this.
When this chapter reached its first climax and I knew my marriage was in its death throes I had to face the idea of losing my children. I felt short of breath and had tunnel vision when I was away from home. At night it seemed a forest fire raged in my head. Though I went about my day-to-day activities, I was in agony with fear about living apart from my children. For two weeks I scarcely ate or slept. I lost twenty pounds as a result.
I will never be at ease with my children sleeping under another roof, without me there to protect them, without my assurance that theyre well, without making sure their blankets are pulled up around them every night before I sleep, without seeing them walk bleary-eyed out in the morning (actually my son is the bleary-eyed one, my daughter springs from bed with boundless energy each day). Now its been well-over a month of 50/50 joint custody and I still hate it. I will always hate it.
Im a single father. A statistic. I know myself a little better now, thats for certain. I also know that my friends, family, and everyone down to the ladies at the cafeteria who give me double portions of food for free trying to fatten me up are superb, wonderful people.
I left much of the real drama out of this letter for obvious reasons. Some of you have or will hear more, Im sure.
So I stand in front of a new life. Im pleased and honored to have you along.
Noel
Some of you have spoken to me on the phone and in Antenna, while others have interpreted cryptic laments of mine when it was all beginning. I appreciate everyones kindness they have shown me.
The truth is after eleven years of relative bliss, seven of them married, my wife and I are separated and getting divorced. A very common occurrence according to statistics. In fact 50% of all divorces happen in the seventh year of marriage. I often wondered if we would last as a couple. I was fairly sure that if we ever did split it would be because I did something stupid. The fact is, despite the standard ups and downs of any full-time relationship, we remained best friends and constant lovers through all of our years together. It was always she and I against the world. It occurred to me that, even when I was feeling unusually dissatisfied or unappreciated, I never not once- thought of leaving. Anyone that knows us has remarked that we were made for each other.
I have to this day never spoken an ill word about her.
So what went wrong?
The answer is nothing. Nothing went wrong between us. We never grew apart and our relationship stayed in bloom until September of this year.
Then came my betrayal with all its attendant lies.
Red flags go up. Long nights of discussions and honest concerns. Worries I never dreamed of. I find myself using phrases such as avoid emotional intimacy with attractive alternatives to your committed relationship. All my railing against the inevitable, ineffective. I winnowed away the clouds of denial and deception to find that underneath, my best friend had changed. A phase perhaps, but with the consequences being as large as they were I struggled further.
so go and see him, what will be will be, every man for the rest of your life will be less than me
Suddenly I represented everything that was wrong with the world. I was the bad guy. She had to kill me off. Our story is a very common one however. Millions of songs, poems, and stories illuminate the various facets of it.
But the story doesnt end with us. We have two children. Two fawns caught in a terrible storm. They dont understand the severity of the situation and I fear they will be scarred no matter how much love and compassion theyre shown. If my life is rent asunder, theirs is surely worse. Children are resilient, but they dont have a lifetime of experience to help them through this.
When this chapter reached its first climax and I knew my marriage was in its death throes I had to face the idea of losing my children. I felt short of breath and had tunnel vision when I was away from home. At night it seemed a forest fire raged in my head. Though I went about my day-to-day activities, I was in agony with fear about living apart from my children. For two weeks I scarcely ate or slept. I lost twenty pounds as a result.
I will never be at ease with my children sleeping under another roof, without me there to protect them, without my assurance that theyre well, without making sure their blankets are pulled up around them every night before I sleep, without seeing them walk bleary-eyed out in the morning (actually my son is the bleary-eyed one, my daughter springs from bed with boundless energy each day). Now its been well-over a month of 50/50 joint custody and I still hate it. I will always hate it.
Im a single father. A statistic. I know myself a little better now, thats for certain. I also know that my friends, family, and everyone down to the ladies at the cafeteria who give me double portions of food for free trying to fatten me up are superb, wonderful people.
I left much of the real drama out of this letter for obvious reasons. Some of you have or will hear more, Im sure.
So I stand in front of a new life. Im pleased and honored to have you along.
Noel
across the endless sky we are deployed
